Gunslinger Rap
 "  Hey, "You're Dory Funk Jr. aren't you?"
Shades of Grey

Dusty Rhodes, you "Egg Suckin' Dog," I will do you the favor of relieving you of 15 pounds of excess ugly fat. Terry's gas powered chain saw roars as he saws of the head of arch enemy Dusty Rhodes. (This is a wooden replica of Dusty Rhodes and this is a wrestling television interview)  "I am going to go ahead and punch you in that sagging fat chest of yours until your cholesterol laden heart pumps itself into submission and quits beating"???

Bret Hart is in the rest room washing his face and hands as Sean Michaels walks in. Bret says hello and Michaels says nothing. As Sean leaves Bret says, "What's the matter, don't you speak?" Sean answers, "Well, you haven't spoken to me all week, why the hell should you want to talk to me now?" Sean leaves and Bret follows him to the dressing room. Bret has a bad knee and really doesn't want trouble but his pride is at stake. One more insult and they are at each other in the dressing room. As the boys separate them, Bret winds up with a handful of Sean's hair and a bruised knee???

Dan Severn double leg dives Rickson Gracie, takes him down on the mat and they stay there for fifteen minutes in the Ultimate Fight match that made Severn famous. The "Beast" Severn is fifty pounds heavier than Gracie. It looks like a miss-match. Severn is an NCAA champion out of Arizona and seems to be in complete control of the match. They are up against the fence in the Octagon and Gracie slips his legs around the head of Dan Severn and this great wrestler who has controlled the match for fifteen minutes taps out, an indication he has had enough???

I am watching and almost not believing what is happening. My father Dory Funk Sr. and Iron Mike Dibiase have been wrestling at the Amarillo Sports Arena for the past three hours with out stopping. I have watched Mike's fist go straight into my father's eye and the blood spurt out of a side gash on his cheek. No question how it happened, It was deliberate and on purpose. At the three hour and ten minute mark, the State Athletic Commission Doctor, Woolworth Russel stops the match for fear that someone may collapse and the state could be responsible???

Jim Barnett and I are in a sold out Omni in Atlanta watching on closed circuit TV, "The match of the century" Antonio Inoki and Mohamed Ali face each other in Tokyo Japan. For the first three rounds no one touches the other. By the start of the fourth round, one of the fans in front of us turns to Mr. Barnett and says, "I want my *&%#@money back." Mr Barnett says, "Ooooh my Goddd," then quickly disappears. The match continues for fifteen rounds with no contact except for a few attempted kicks to the thigh of Ali. The match is declared a draw???

On Monday night Raw, Jeff Jarrett enters the ring and first insults Eric Bischoff, then turns to Vince McMahon and insults him. He is not only content to insult the people who have paid him so well over the past few years but also says his opponent at WCW, Mongo McMichael doesn't even know how to tie up. Pretty basic manoeuvre in pro-wrestling???

Kevin Nash, Sixx, and Bagwell are in the center of the ring on Monday Nitro. Kevin Nash is portraying Arn Andersen as a fat out of shape and over the hill bumpkin, a sick satire of  one of the most respected wrestlers ever in the business. Sixx wearing a bleach blond wig is shedding a bucket of tears in mock of one of Ric Flair's most sincere moments ever on television. This may be great promo material except for one thing, the match they are building for never happens???

I am going to settle this with that SOB now!! Comments from Adorable Adrian Adonnis. (Kieth Franks) His match with Danny Spivey is over and Adrian is on the way to Spivey's dressing room to finish the fight. The door bursts open and Adrian says, "C'mon on let's finish it now!! Adrian is a great wrestler with lots of pride in himself. but he can't even get near as Danny busts his eye open, first with a left and then a right that sends Adrian to the floor. The boys bust up another one???

Dory Funk Sr. is wrestling Fritz Von Erich in Amarillo, Texas when a cowboy comes into the ring and says, "Dory Funk," I want you, now!!! And the same happens to Sputnick Monroe in Odessa, Texas, and to Tonny Morelli in Amarillo, and to Ricky Starr in Amarillo, and to Terry Funk in Bay Front Arena in St. Pete, and In Oklahoma City a mark comes in the ring to attack Danny Hodge's opponent, only this time the guy is carrying a knife.  Danny Hodge goes to the hospital and receives over a hundred stitches???

I am in a restaurant with my wife and kids enjoying dinner and someone sits down at my table and says, "Hey, Your Dory Funk Jr. aren't you? Now tell me about wrestling. I know you guys rehearse. Your all friends. It's not real blood, I know you don't hurt each other. You guys know what is going to happen ahead of time. Just tell my friend here, It's all fake, isn't it???

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