Welcome to Gunslinger Rap

Please enjoy yourself browsing the tales of the wrestling business.

A Place Called Camelot   "Hello you stupid idiots," Those were the first words spoken by newcomer to Amarillo, Don Duffy. The next words were from Dory Funk Sr., "Stop the promo. We can't call our fans stupid idiots."

The Resume - We had a near riot in our match with the Brisco Brothers. (We wanted a near riot, it brings the fans back the next time but not a full riot, we walked that thin line all the time.)

"The show must go on,"  as P.T. Barnum said many years ago; however, he owned the show.
So what is the difference in professional wrestling now and in days past?

Owen Hart - "Dory, This is Owen." I shook hands and said hello to this five year old sandy haired kid. "Hi Owen, how are you doing?"  I was the invited guest at the Hart house for dinner.

Tough Guys - You may be able to dance like Shawn Michaels, and Talk Trash like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin but if you always wind up laying on your back looking at the lights, all that won't do you much good.

Governor Brisco -  Jack Brisco comes to Abilene Texas to defend the world championship and meet the governor of Texas, Dolph Briscoe. What happens when Jack arrives and there is no governor?

A Giant of a Man - Brute Bernard returned ot the dressing room after his match, dripping in perspiration. He said, "My god, anyone who is in that ring wrestling for more than five minutes in going to die."

Special from the Amarillo Globe News  Funks head Panhandle Sports Hall of Fame class  Excerpts from the story By CHRIS GOVE Globe-News Sports Writer

Don't Just Jump - "GOD DAMN, SHIT, SON OF A BITCH, OUCH, DIRTY BASTARD, OUCH, OH SHIT, HELP, SHIT SON OF A BITCH!" Dad could cuss like a sailor, of course, he was a sailor.

WWF Funking Dojo IIIManeuvers covered - double leg tackle, Single leg take-down, fireman's carriage, Hip-lock, Arm drag, chicken wing / half nelson, and Dory Funk Sr. special Chief Justice Wizzer White reversal.

Mr. Cotton's Mythology Class  Dory Funk Sr. was student body president of Hammond High. Dory Sr also wrestled at Indiana University. He also was elected into the Indiana Amateur Wrestling Hall of Fame.

WWF's Funking Dojo Report Review of the WWF's Funking Dojo complete with pictures and Real Audio Report with Dory Funk Jr., Tom Prichard, and Kevin Kelly direct from the office of Titan Sports.

WWF's  Funking Dojo "If Dory Funk Jr. wants to prove he's a real champion he'll come here and defend against real competition. Hell, I could stay champion a hundred years if I wrestled bums like Brisco every night."

How to Explode Your Brain - NCAA drug-testing experts say their biggest problem is the marketing of illegal substances on the Internet. Football & wrestling coaches have received E-mail product solicitation.

High Times -Adorable Adrian Adonis busted through to the back room. Dan Spivey rose to his feet to protect himself. Adrain said, "C'mon Spivey, let's see how tough you are."

The Brass Rail - Fellows, "It's a shame when you put yourselves in this position. You are like a bug under someone's thumb. All they need to do is squeeze. That's the position you are in. There is nothing you can do.

A Profile in CourageWCW Referee, Mark Curtis, aka Brian Hildebrand, will undergo surgery on Wednesday to remove an obstruction from his stomach. He has been undergoing tests for the last two weeks.

Is Pro-Wrestling Tough?   I guarantee It is a fight for your life. You face an opponent who would like to stick your head up your rear end, and a promoter who has an insatiable desire for ticket sales and ratings.

Who is the Real Putrid Pussy??? "You looked like two putrid pussies." Those were Mr. McMahon's words to Kane and Undertaker in regard to their inability to take the WWF title from Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Loud Mouth Bastard"My God, If they pass legislation like that, It will kill the wrestling business, We can't tell the truth, Son! We will be deader than *#@!&* Kelsey's nuts"

Bloody Mary Red - Jack Nolte, Other than his boots and his hat, this five foot ten two hundred sixty pound athlete was bare ass naked in the Angeles Hotel, San Angelo Texas.  (Warning, This story for adults only.)

Who is it? Bobby Duncum Jr., I taught your Daddy ninety percent of what I know about wrestling. Even if he taught you everything he knew about pro-wrestling, you are still ten percent short of what you need.

Wahoo ForeverDad said, "God Damn you Wahoo, I told you not to play around with that gun in the dressing room." As we headed for the ring, Wahoo had tears in his eyes over the incident.

Dory Funk Sr., In His Words "If you get someone down, you had better put the boots to them, because if you let them up, you can damn well bet they are going to do it to you."

Kids Need DisciplineA close look at five great kids as they receive orders from their captain.

he Man Caught With His Pants Down???    I could hear the man say, "Please Dory, Don't hit me again." (Smack) another back hand landed flush to the face of the man and blood splattered everywhere.

Junkyard DogOur feud culminated with Wrestlemania II with Terry and I gaining a victory over Junkyard Dog and Tito Santana.Our last match until we meet again. "Thanks Junkyard Dog."

Wow, You're Really Looking Good "George Steel, you are really looking good tonight." Dick Murdoch chimed right in, "George, you must have been working out. Have you lost some weight?"

Sorry, I forgot to say goodby  Terry had a few beers and must have been really hungry. He ordered more beer and more food. He was just eating the entree. He had five plates stacked up and was ordering more!!!

Special Interview with Tennessee Lee Mr. Lee, I have just one comment, "You are what we called back home a real loud mouth bastard ------ Response from Tennessee Lee

Credibility in WrestlingDon't come to me with the first thing on your mind that, "F" word.(I'm not talking about intercourse,  I'm talking about that other "F" word  -"FAKE" ) "And That's the Funking  Bottom Line."

Counting the StarsNow I lay me down to sleep.I pray the lord my soul to keep.If I should die before I wake,I pray the lord my soul to take.

Free Speech Here is to the Eagle, whose wings are broad and great. He flies from Maine to Mexico, and shits on this windy, dust blown, hick town, located at the top of the Lone Star State."

Is a Pig's Ass Pork?Frankie Hart stepped forward grasping his full length velvet robe on each side. His arms were out-stretched and his robe opened, exhibiting his well conditioned body. (One thing was wrong)

"Don't Funk With Us"Professional wrestling is a highly complex sport that might seem to a newcomer like it would be hard to learn. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms, "It is very hard to learn,"

Match of the Year Brian had been diagnosed with stomach  cancer and would have to undergo surgery and chemotherapy. For Brian, it would the match of his life.......

Route 66 and the Beat Goes On "I want you to drop your drawers and stick your fat ass out the window. They will be so pissed and we will have gotten them for a record fifth time."

Hey, "You Cheated the Bear." The bear came in the ring with a deep guttural roar. He swatted his manager knocking him down, He chased every wrestler out the ring, then pissed a gallon of urine all over the mat.

You Want a Shoot??? Hey/Paul hyman(woops)heyman is a jerk/I don't know what he said,but, I would like to kick his small dick fat ass any funking time/Peace and Love

 So, You Think We're Friends?  I reached for the "three quarter nelson." I had him for the three count.  (11/7/97) Gainseville County Fairgrounds, Gainseville, Florida. I became the new Florida Heavyweight Champion.

Stanley BlackburnTexas State Athletic Commissioner, Wrestling Promoter, Real Estate Investor, Businessman, President of the AWA, and friend of the wrestling business has passed away.

 Thoughts at 4amBefore Dory , I had been abused, raped, beaten and once left for dead. I had loved unwisely and believed to much in the greatness of friendship.

Who Carried the Money??? Terry Funk was standing on top of the front row of seats on the 747 swinging with both fists at Buck Robely. Blood splattered all over. 300 Japanese  business travelers had a ringside seat.

 Dan Severn Response My comment to Severn was, "if you want to fight with someone, why not pick on a man. I can fight back and shecannot." Police who were still on hand after the show interceded.

*** The Boss is Gone"*%#@ damn you Terry if you don't loosen up I am going to get up and kick the shit out of you.*%#@ damn you Terry turn loose or I am going to kick your ass."

Brian PillmanThis Gunslinger Rap is dedicated to the memory of Brian Pillman His death is a tragedy in the wrestling business. Marti and I send our deepest sympathy to Melanie Pillman, and to the rest of Brian's family.

Shades of GreyDusty Rhodes, you "Egg Suckin' Dog," I will do you the favor of relieving you of 15 pounds of excess ugly fat. Terry's gas powered chain saw roars as he saws of the head of arch enemy Dusty Rhodes.

Tommy TsurutaJumbo Tsuruta a gifted athlete from Japan and the Tokyo Olmpic Games comes to the Amarillo Territory to learn the finer points of professional wrestling. In Amarillo Texas, they called him Tommy Tsuruta.

Kanemochi In Japanese, kanemochi means rich man. Who is the richest of them all in the world of professional wrestling. The Gunslinger takes a look at several. You might be surprised when you find out who truly deserves the name "kanemochi."

Dick MurdochWe all lost a dear friend with the death of Dick Murdoch. Dick's funeral was a tribute to the life and times of Dick Murdoch. He was truly the original "Red Neck," and he was loved by many.

Za Funk's Manga (Set 1) In Japan the comic magazine style of writing is very popular. Here is a look at the Funk Family as seen by the writers of, "Manga," Japanese comic writers.

69 EG - Flight of FearHave you ever taken off in an airplane and wish you had never left the ground. Gunslinger relates his experiences on a particular flight of fear from Ft. Meyers, Florida to Tampa.

Murder in the Dark Dory Funk Sr. was a master at raising kids. He had the insight to know what they were going to do before they knew what they were going to do. Funk Sr. out smarts the kids at Boy's Ranch on a rainy night.

Give 'em Hell Kid Gene Kiniski was like a second father to me with all the right advice at the right time. This started when I broke into professional wrestleing and continues to the present. Story of the Bockwinkel match at Slamboree.

When the Goin' Gets Tough On many occasions people have asked me, "Of all the wrestlers, Who is the toughest? who would you like to have on your side if you were really in trouble, like a street fight?"

It Takes All KindsTerry Funk and I send letters to a popular wrestling magazine in Japan. They were written independently and appeared one page apart. Gunslinger compares the difference in writing style.

Until We Meet AgainAndre The Giant was the biggest attraction in professional wrestling. Few had the opportunity to really get to know Andre. Marti and I had the opportunity to know him well. The man behind the myth.

Eastern Flight 315 - The 10:50pm Flight to Tampa (So You Think You Are a Star) I walked into the dressing room at the Miami Beach Convention Hall. I had friends everywhere calling me champ and patting me on the back. When work is done???

Sam Bass Rides Again Just before touchdown, from the back of the plane, Dick Murdoch yelled out, "Brace." Everyone on the plane screamed and ducked down into the brace position. (The Jumbo 747 flies from LA to Tokyo for Japan Air Lines)

Return to the Calgary Stampede We are in Amarillo, Texas visiting family over the Christmas holidays. Marti calls her mother, "The Preachers Wife." A letter is there from Bruce Hart, Marti says, "oh, that's wonderful, please read it to me."

World Champion Pussy Eater Guess who???

The Most Competitive Business In the World " Jim Barnett responded, "Ohh godd" then did a pirouette and sashayed out of the dressing room. The door slammed shut with a loud bang, one more trickle of dust floated down on Big Tex's nose.

Jess's Bar-B-Que Beef Sandwich Pretty Boy Harvey growled "I wouldn't eat in this dirty rotten horrible germ infested bar-b-que rat house for all the money stuffed under Vern Gagne's mattress."

Johnny Valentine, Part I & II The aircraft dipped, nose first and began a rapid descent, only three miles short of the runway at Douglas field. Forty seconds later, they were at tree top level, the aircraft tore through tree branches and -----

"The Devil Made Me Do It" Not even the, "Smart Marks," Knew that Terry Funk was coming here for the dream match against the biggest drawing card in the history of wrestling. The marquee read, "Main Event, Hulk Hogan vs Terry Funk."

Second Fiddle The next thing I knew, I was being kissed on the lips in a wet and sloppy way, then Jack Benny unzipped his pants and asked me if I would, "Kiss it."

"I'm Gonna Be A Big Star Some Day" Ladies and Gentlemen in the red corner from Hamlin Texas at 260 pounds, The Future Star of the Detroit Wheels, "STAN HANSEN."

Who's Marti? Marti I and Marti II, two girls selling T-shirts at the arenas, one was a, "red head," and one was a, "Blond." I looked at Eddie Graham and said, "What is this?

Rip Rogers "Those Son-of-a-Bitches, they threw water all over us----. Hey that's not water. Those dirty bastards threw piss all over us. Let's kill the bastards."

Tough Love Sputnik Monroe turned around and punched the cowboy's horse in the nose. In a second, the cowboy was all over Sputnik and beat the hell out of him.

Who Won the Match? I dialed the familiar number I had called so many time before when in need of love and affection, it was the number of another mans wife.

Beer in the Dressing Room Terry attacked the big beer can, running around it stabbing at the base with the knife. In just seconds, the Miller Light Balloon collapsed into a heap of useless rubber near the third base bag.

The Bad Guy The Cessna 173 flew through the dark Florida night. Buddy Colt was flying left seat, Austin Idol was to his right, Gary Hart & Bobby Shane were in the back seat. "The Bad Guy's Airplane."

Party Time in Juarez "Send me a week's advance pay and my transportation and I will come in and, "pop your territory." It was Abdulla the Butcher on the other end of the telephone conversation. My answer was???

The Deer Hunter The Lawman tied the old dead doe to a tree in standing position and attached the antlers to the head of the doe. Then he returned home and called Jerry Kozak and invited him to go deer hunting with him.

Coffee, Cream and Sweet and Low We are wrestling in the San Francisco Cow Palace Ray Stevens and Pat Patterson, the greatest of the Sixties are against Terry Funk and myself, the greatest of the Seventies.

Officer BurnsI looked at the Lawman and said, "So you think a hundred miles an hour is dangerous, How about this." I reached forward with my left hand and switched off the headlights.

And the Winner Is... (Ilio DiPaolo Memorial) Jim Kelly turned to Macho Man Savage and said, "If you think you are so tough, why don't you get in this ring and I will kick your ass."

My Friend I strolled over to this pretty little chick and said, "Howdy do" She answered, "Oh, I'm fine. Do you think you could get your partner, David von Erich to come over and talk to me?"

Blackie"Son of a bitch, Funk keep your hands out of my hair."I knew if I wanted to make this Oklahoma Indian mad, all I had to do was reach for his hair. Jack Brisco was proud of his long black hair of Indian ancestry.

Hulk Hogan (Terry Bollea) Was My "Bad Guy" First "I'll take that "Mighty Ignoramus" and stuff his air head up his muscled rear end and smother him to death."

Medium Rare What followed was the damndest cussing you ever heard, accusations of thievery, stealing, and lying erupted. I could hear Promoter Dory Detton say, "##@!$%,Funk this is a business not a sport."

Senator Hotel Lounge Terry took the can opener and widened the opening on one side of the Budweiser can of beer, then handed the opener to Harley. This match was in the lounge on the ground floor of the Senator Hotel.

Dennis, "Hot" Rodman The hair color, nose ring, and tattoos did NOT get him into the NBA, nor did they help him in the ring as a professional wrestler at WCW's bash at the beach.

Joe Schidtt He was introduced everywhere as Joe Schidtt. Much to his surprise, All of the fans would laugh at him and call him Fullof Schidtt, Horse Schidtt, Dumb Schidtt, Little Schidtt, Dip Schidtt, etc. etc.

Dory Funk Sr. (He Knew Terry Best) There was the squealing of tires, a crash, and the sound of crunching steel. Terry's new Ford Hatch-back Mustang was destroyed.

Crushed Nuts "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Dory. Happy birthday to you." Yes this was my 39th birthday, February 3rd, 1996.

Last Ride At Neblett Hospital in Canyon, Dr. Moore said, "Dory, you have had a massive heart attack. An ambulance is on the way. We are taking you to the emergency room at Northwest Texas Hospital in Amarillo."

"We Won By Golly, We Won" The day after "WrestleFest, 50 Years of Funk," I read the headlines of the sports page of the Amarillo Globe times.  "Gasp, Terry Funk goes out with a loss."

Happy AnniversaryBrute Bernard returned to the dressing room after his match, dripping in perspiration. He said, "My God, anyone who is in that ring wrestling for more than five minutes is going to die."

St. Louis HonorsThanks first to the wrestling fans. Without them, none of us would have had the thrills.  As wrestlers and promoters we must respect the wrestling fans. Give them more than just their money's worth.

Please Pass the SugarThe un-written law in professional wrestling. "You don't associate with your opponents in public." Even though many wrestlers publicly feuded with each other, they often were in fact good friends.

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